As I work away at the first draft of my first AOL, I am finding the process of reviewing past experiences strangely therapeutic. I have been considering how I often feel strangely disjointed from my CV. I feel as though I am not good enough to have done what I have done. I find myself questioning and exploring this feeling. I try to remind myself that I worked for everything that is on my CV and yet I often walk into an audition, rehearsal or performance and feel that I am underqualified and not experienced enough for the job.
I wonder does anyone else feel this way?
I find myself dwelling a lot on every small detail that goes wrong in a project. I often feel a sense of guilt for things which others tell me are not my fault. I feel a strong sense of responsibility. Is this a bad thing a wonder? This attention to detail is probably what has got me to the level I am in dance. Yet it has also held me back as such strong perfectionist tendencies can prevent me from taking risks.
A work experience on Sunday which caused a huge amount of anxiety in me was a real test of how I could manage this anxiety. The project is currently confidential, but I will post about it once it has been released.
I have also been considering how dance has been a strand in my life which has somehow given me a purpose even through very challenging times. I have felt this special wave of gratitude this week and I wonder if writing my AOLs has been a contributing factor.
Below is an image from a project I did with The Ballet Pod when I was 15 years old called The Ballad of Edward Owen. It was based on the mining disaster at Bersham colliery. Too long ago to include in my AOLs yet a hugely influential experience to the development of me as an artist.
This is so interesting the idea of feeling under-qualified and not experienced enough. In one way I understand completely and I've definitely felt that way, but then I feel sometimes what is valued as experience is so different that I'm really just hoping the audition will give space to 'see' me as an artist - because if they do that and then don't take me I feel satisfied that it wasn't the right thing. Of course often auditions are crazy and hectic and messy - but also maybe that reflects on the structure of the artists leading.
ReplyDeleteHi Matthew, this is such a valid point that you make, and I couldn't agree more. I think I have really struggled with allowing my artistic voice to shine through amidst the crazy chaos that seems to plague many auditions. I have always done better in smaller settings or company classes where there is physical and artistic space. It definitely seems to be a reflection of the leaders. It seems that the way an audition is run can say a great deal about the general running or directorship of a company.
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