Dancing and working through grief

 

Today has been hard. Although this is a personal post, I feel that I want to share it. Because an area of great interest to me is the effects of trauma on dancers. 

Yesterday my grandma passed away. 94 years old so a wonderful age. Yet I was at work and not with her at the time. I am currently rehearsing for Nutcracker performances next week. I decided to keep working because I know that my grandmother would have wanted that. She supported me greatly through my training to become a professional dancer and I know she was very proud of the career path I chose. I felt that after her passing I would feel more connected to her by continuing to dance than returning home. Yet there were a couple of moments when I lost myself a bit today. Felt pulled down by the weight of the loss.

Dance for me as always been a very spiritual process and I feel as though it connects me to something deeper than the surface level of life.  As I process all the waves of emotion that come with loss, I feel compelled to do some freewriting of words that a emerge from me during this time. 

My intention is in time to use these words as inspiration to create a solo choreography, exploring the process of grief and connection with my grandma.

Relief

Pain undone

Pain dispersed

Processing

music

magic

angel

sky

discovery

light 

love

imagine

believe

beyond

Time 

present

deny

dictate

dance

deepen

loss

lens

unhealed

complicated

trauma

agitation

jarred

classic

hand

movie

cashmere

custard

cardigan

cranberry

parcel

dark chocolate

cake

laughter

My intention for the last 2 days was to work on my AOLs, research and get a lot of other admin work done after work. Yet I haven't felt able to do it in the evenings. I have found when I am alone, I just want to call my family or sit and think. It's hard to admit to yourself that maybe that is what you need to do right now. Sometimes we need to take time and I have learned from past experiences that unless we take that time when we need it, we are likely to suffer later as a result of trying to push down the pain.

So tonight, I accept where things are at and know that tomorrow there will be another opportunity to work my way down the to do list. 

Reflections on Frameworks and the place of unknowing

 

I have been inspired by Deiter and Lea's posts about what can be discovered in the place of unknowing, I decided to explore this a little bit for myself with some freewriting.

Unknowing...

The place of insecurity, yet also freedom

A land where possibility is prevalent

space

acceptance

presence

being at one with wherever you are

frighteningly beautiful

Secure and insecure at the same time

The older I get the less I feel I truly know and the more at peace I become with that

Some days we sit with it and accept it

Some days we fight against it and cannot find peace within it.

Yet every day, we are faced with the challenge of what we don't know, and we must learn to hold hands with the fear that emerges and make friends with the possibility that the process of learning may bring.

Then I was equally inspired by Honor's post and sharing some thoughts on my response to it here:

I really love this way of looking at a framework as a gateway to intuitive understanding and not the door itself. I have also been finding it a challenge to get into the frameworks of reflective practice as I feel this often destroys my natural process of reflection when I try to follow some of the structures suggested.  

You had me considering the notion of authenticity and how the arts absolutely give us that chance to share our inner selves to the world in ways that feel true to who we are. The arts can become that way of communicating with others when we feel misunderstood. 

Strangely I feel that many life experiences I lived through the medium of dance first. It is like this force that allows me to experience life and connect to others. I often say that performers and artists are so fortunate because every piece of art they create or every performance they undertake are like full lives in themselves. 

Writing, theory and finding my place within it

 Today I had a supervision with Peter to talk about my tendency to struggle with concise writing. It was most helpful, and he gave me many ideas for how I can better divide up my work into segments to discover what is relevant or missing. My tendency to go way over the word count and then have to totally reconstruct and edit has always been a trait to the way I work, and I am interested to know how I can make improvements in this regard.

I confess I have found it hard navigating my way into this first AOL essay. It is some years since my BA and although I have a lot I want to say, I have found it a challenge to decide which angle to approach the essays from. Trying hard to not go into too much depth in 'what' happened and instead to focus on the learning stemming from it. Yet at the same time some description is necessary.

I realise that I am very good at agreeing with authors and finding existing theory that supports what I am saying. I am finding it more of a challenge to critique existing theory somehow. I believe this carries through into my practice in fact, as at least in most of my training as a ballet dancer I learned that nodding and saying 'yes', even if you disagreed was generally applauded. There have been times when I stood up to authority when I felt strongly about something. But I always felt that I did something wrong by doing this.

Having the courage to trust my own voice is a recurring theme and it has appeared in the first essay I am writing Creative Collaborations in Dance. 

The existing theory which I am exploring for this essay includes the following books:

Burrows, J (2010) A choreographer’s handbook. Oxon: Routledge.

John-Steiner, V. (2006) Creative collaboration. 2^nd Edn. New York: Oxford University Press Inc.

Moon, J. (2006) A handbook of reflective and experiential learning. Oxon: RoutledgeFalmer.

Schon, D (1987) Educating the reflective practitioner. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Tharp, T. (2009) The collaborative habit. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Shobana, J. and Merose, S. (2006) ‘Geo-choreographies: self as site’ in Bannerman, C, Sofaer, J and Watt, J (Eds) in Navigating the unknown: The creative process in contemporary performing arts. London: Middlesex University Press.

I have been encouraged by Helen via her blog to explore what theories exist within my practice and take a look at how I navigate existing concepts.

I have been thinking a lot about the syllabus of ballet lately and the structure of a ballet class. How theoretically we are supposed to dance steps with certain levels of turn out and with certain criteria met. Yet I know that many professional dancers including myself have found ways around many of these criteria because our bodies are simply not designed to fit exactly into those boxes. 

The limited turnout on my right leg for example has had a huge impact on my ability to perform certain steps, and I have had to find ways to if you like 'fake it' or compensate for it with another artistic element. Many people are not aware of this until they watch my plies in 4th position and can't understand why my knee will not go directly to the side. They look at me like I am just not thinking about it, when it's been the focus of my attention since I was 11 years old! But thankfully it is rare that we have to stand at the barre on stage and do plies in 4th position! 

So, is it about finding your place within theory? Making it work for you rather than taking it as truth and not questioning it? Finding your own voice whilst having respect for that knowledge which already stands before you? It is a somewhat liberating idea to me.

Drafting and the therapeutic process of looking back

 As I work away at the first draft of my first AOL, I am finding the process of reviewing past experiences strangely therapeutic. I have been considering how I often feel strangely disjointed from my CV. I feel as though I am not good enough to have done what I have done. I find myself questioning and exploring this feeling. I try to remind myself that I worked for everything that is on my CV and yet I often walk into an audition, rehearsal or performance and feel that I am underqualified and not experienced enough for the job. 

I wonder does anyone else feel this way?

I find myself dwelling a lot on every small detail that goes wrong in a project. I often feel a sense of guilt for things which others tell me are not my fault. I feel a strong sense of responsibility. Is this a bad thing a wonder? This attention to detail is probably what has got me to the level I am in dance. Yet it has also held me back as such strong perfectionist tendencies can prevent me from taking risks.

A work experience on Sunday which caused a huge amount of anxiety in me was a real test of how I could manage this anxiety. The project is currently confidential, but I will post about it once it has been released.

I have also been considering how dance has been a strand in my life which has somehow given me a purpose even through very challenging times. I have felt this special wave of gratitude this week and I wonder if writing my AOLs has been a contributing factor.

Below is an image from a project I did with The Ballet Pod when I was 15 years old called The Ballad of Edward Owen. It was based on the mining disaster at Bersham colliery. Too long ago to include in my AOLs yet a hugely influential experience to the development of me as an artist.

Above is a moment from The Swan in last year's Ballet Pod event in Chirk

Contemplations on Areas of Learning and exploring experiences

Had a great supervision with Helen this morning discussing areas of learning. It was great to verbalise my AOLs and gain an objective opinion on what the area might actually be. I found that often one can think it is one area, when in fact that area might be part of a larger whole. This was the case for me when I identified an area of adaptability in dance because I have danced in many different contexts and often have to perform on a variety of different surfaces to many different audiences. But Helen rightly pointed out that although adaptability was part of it, this area was more along the lines of dance performance in diverse contexts.

So I believe I have now settled at least on provisional working titles of my AOLs

Holistic Approach to Wellbeing and Selfcare in the Dance Profession

Dance Performance in Diverse contexts

Creative Collaboration in Dance

Dance Management and Administration

I found these titles by reviewing my CV and job description and drawing out elements which continued to emerge throughout. I was amazed to see when annotating how many times I talked about the mental challenges and needing to utilise strategies to deal with these challenges. This is also where the holistic side comes in and I will be integrating my Colour Therapy and Sports Psychology learning into the first essay as I developed many strategies from them which I have been integrating into my practice to help with the management of performance anxiety etc. Grateful Matthew for noticing this interest of mine from viewing my CV and actually prompting me to notice just how much these courses have helped me. 

All of this reflection on my profession and practice to date has had me fascinated by the idea of an experience and what it is that truly makes something memorable to us as something that we have truly learned from. I am exploring the work of Dewey and find his descriptions of experience resonate with me greatly. Here is a short quote from his book Art as Experience: 

Experience in this vital sense is defined by those situations and episodes that we spontaneously refer to as being ''real experiences''; those things of which we say recalling them, ''that was an experience.'' It may have been something of tremendous importance - a quarrel with one who was once an intimate, a catastrophe finally averted by a hair's breadth. Or it may have been something that in comparison was slight-and which perhaps because of its very slightness illustrates all the better what is to be an experience. There is that meal in a Paris restaurant of which one says ''that was an experience''. It stands out as an enduring memorial of what food may be.

(Dewey, 2005, p. 37)

References 

Dewey, J. (2005) Art as Experience. New York: The Berkley Publishing Group. First published 1934. 

Below is a collage which I did as part of my Colour Therapy course. I have an instagram account where I have explored this topic although I have not posted for a while. Below that are mind maps for my first two AOLs.